Sunday, 17 April 2011

Angels, Fairies, Eagles and Cocker (humour rating:10)

Warning: some may find content offensive.

I'm probably giving myself one up the arse here, but it would be most appreciated if you could rate this post from 1 to 10 by sending a comment. Thanks.

Biffy and I sat in the hospitality room of the TV station.

Three other candidates for the Bogton by-election, with their campaign advisors, were also in the room.

“How can you be so calm?” asked Biffy, my campaign advisor.

“Why wouldn’t I be calm?” I replied.

“eez, you’re about to be interviewed by Jerry Raxman. You know what he’s like. He’ll rip you to shreds.”

Jerry Raxman is renowned for his interviewing of politicians; he once asked the same question seventeen times to eventually get a straight yes or no from a guest. Everyone considers him to be a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

“It’ll be fine. And I’ve put some of that stuff you gave me in his drink. He’ll be off with the fairies in ten minutes.”

Raxman walked into the room, took a sip from his drink and spoke to us: “Right, I know some of you may be a little worried about what’s going to happen, but there’s really nothing to be concerned about; my reputation is undeserved.”

He took another mouthful from his glass and continued. ”It will be a live broadcast so don’t say ‘can we do that again?’ if you make a mistake. And remember, I’m not as bad as people make out.”

He left the hospitality room.

The others sighed with relief and commented on how nice Raxman had been.

“Well, he doesn’t seem too bad, does he, eez?” said Biffy.

I looked at Biffy. “I think he’s a complete cunt.”

The guests sat around a kidney shaped table and Raxman sat in the middle.

A green light flashed and we were on air.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” he said into a camera, “and welcome to tonight’s programme where I’m joined by the candidates for the Bogton by-election.”

Another camera panned round the table, filming the candidates one by one.

“We have Bartholomew Puff-Rider for the Conservative Party, Jessica Cumley-Hide for the Liberal Democrats, Joseph Mugabe for the Labour Party and eez, which I understand is how he wishes to be known, standing as an independent candidate.”

He looked at me and said, “Right! Let’s start with you! What on earth makes you think you have the abilities required to represent Bogton in parliament?”

Yep, I thought to myself, a complete cunt.

“Well, Jerry…”

He interrupted. “Come on, let’s face it, you’re just doing this for a laugh: you have no formal educational qualifications, you are currently named in over seven hundred lawsuits and your criminal record reads like Chicago during Prohibition!”

“I think I know where you’re coming from, Jerry, but my electoral campaign in Bogton speaks for itself: I have had one hundred percent support from all the voters I’ve approached; I’m running both a popular and thorough campaign that’s leaving other candidates in my wake.”

“Well,” he said, “I suppose that ‘thorough’ is certainly one way of describing your campaign aides, who others have referred to as the Bogton Brownshirts. Surely, being likened to the actions of Hitler’s henchmen in the 1930s, is not the behaviour expected from a parliamentary candidate’s campaign?”

“I can assure you…”

“Oh, please, just admit to the fact that you’re merely seeking publicity. You have none of the qualities or attributes required of a constituents’ representative. Come on then, give the viewers your informed and intelligent opinion of current members of parliament!”

“They’re all a bunch of coke-snorting, expense-fiddling, lazy fuckers.”

Raxman looked at me for a few seconds. He took a sip from his glass and moved onto the next candidate.

“Mr Puff-Rider do you like eagles?”

The Conservative candidate, Puff-Rider, said nothing and stared at Raxman.

“Come on, come on; say something Mr Poof-Rider!” demanded Raxman.

“Puff-Rider, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, I do beg your pardon, Puffy, but come on man, answer the question: do you like eagles?”

Again, the struggling Conservative candidate said nothing.

“Come on! Who knows what tomorrow brings? Do you like the eagles in the sky? Are you in love?”

“eez,” Biffy whispered, “how much of that stuff did you put in his drink?”

“All of it. I tried just one packet on the wife and it didn’t seem to do much.”

“Oh, fuck. He’s got six wraps of angel dust surging through his system. We need to be somewhere else.”

Raxman tore off his shirt, stood on the table and sang.

Love lift us up where we belong,
Where the eagles cry, on a mountain high.
Love lift us up where we belong,
Far from the world we know,
Up where the clear winds blow.

He began frothing at the mouth, flapped his arms wildly and leapt from the table.

On the floor, Raxman started to convulse.

A cameraman, with a smile on his face, zoomed in for a close-up, muttering something about ‘you tube’.

It was too much for Jessica Cumley-Hide; she ran from the studio.

Puff-Rider gave the convulsing interviewer a kick in the groin and followed Jessica Cumley-Hide out the studio.

Joseph Mugabe, the Labour Party candidate, who had been silent throughout, jumped up and shouted, “I know first aid! Give me some room!”

He tried to resuscitate the now motionless Raxman.

I turned to Biffy, “your phone’s been doing its video thing, yes?”

Biffy nodded.

Different newspapers ran with different headlines. Some talked of eloping candidates and some talked of drug taking TV presenters.

My favourite was: ‘Labour Man and Raxman in lip lock’

I was about to become a Member of Parliament.


cyclonic111 said...

You've got me vote eez. Once you're elected, and I have no doubt you will be, we must do lunch. I have one or two ideas about rezoning of ages accommodation, that might interest you.cyc.

Eez said...

It's a deal!

cyclonic111 said...

Is this a manuscript you've written in the past eez? It just keeps flowing.

Eez said...

Nope, just drunken ramblings, I'm afraid.

How are things on the other side of the world?

Hope you and yours are okay.


Anonymous said...


Rueberry said...

I love it!!! Great work!! Once I began reading I had to continue so as to find out how the story ended. "Talent" id the word of the day.

Rueberry said...

" is " lol

Oddy said...

Top marks from me eez - not sure if that's 10 (as in 10 out of 10) or 1 (as in the first, top, best) - I'll let you decide

Eez said...

Thanks, Rueberry, glad you enjoy my stories. If you know of anyone else with such a sense of humour, please forwrd the link to them.

By the way, it's nothing to do with making money from the adverts. I've never had anyone click on them and I don't expect to have anyone click on them. Even if someone were to click on them, by my calculations, I'd need somwewhere in the region of 10,000 clicks to buy a pint.

Actually, when you laook at the content of some of the adverts, putting them on THIS blog seems funnier than the blog!

How many of the stories have you read?

Oddy, you star, ten out of ten is how it works. Woop, woop.

Count Sneaky said...

eez, fantastic, original material that is most enjoyable. My best