Monday, 21 February 2011

General Rant

Apologies, but every now and then I just have to rant:

Every time I look at the TV news I hear the same thing. It’s always the same: the country’s going down the crapper.

It doesn’t matter which country you live in, it’s the same for everybody: “Today’s headlines, the country’s going down the crapper.”

Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not news. That’s just restating the bloody obvious over and over again. And I can find no reason on God’s Green Earth why I should have to suffer listening to, day after day, a pin-striped twat trying to explain to me why a kilo of cat litter costs more today than it did yesterday.

Then, in an attempt to prove their expertise and knowledge of the subject, they use the word ‘historically’ and try to convince me that a similar cat litter issue brought about the fall of the Ottoman Empire.

Whenever I hear a financial analyst on TV using the ‘H’ word, I turn to the bottle and trust me, if it’s the morning news it makes for a bloody long day.

Why, oh why can’t they just get a prime minister or a president to address the nation?

“My fellow citizens, there are bad times ahead for us all. Houses will simply be far too expensive for the majority of you. You will no longer be able to afford the foods that you have been eating and will have to eat dirt instead. But it’s not all bad, for, in this great country of ours, we have some of the finest dirt available.”
(reading this whilst imagining it’s Morgan Freeman doing the talking really does make it come over quite well).

Do they have to bring economist after economist onto our screens, day after day, to explain why the recession is the worst we’ve ever experienced since apes started walking upright?

Do these people think I’m not aware of the fact that it now takes an entire oil field’s production just to heat my home?

Refuge can only be found in a pub, club, boozer or whatever you care to call it. Be warned though, if you live anywhere near a so-called business sector of a city, avoid lunchtime drinking at all costs.

I would rather dine in hell with the wife’s sister than meet an accountant on his lunch break. What on earth makes an accountant, who spends his day filing the tax returns of self-employed plumbers, think that between the hours of 12.00am and 2.00pm he possesses enough financial acumen to solve global economic problems?

Why are accountants so BORING when they have a drink? The whole point of going down the pub and getting absolutely knocked sideways with booze is to lighten up and talk complete drivel.

One of the wife’s brothers is an accountant. I really don’t know if accountancy was invented so that he could find something suitable in life, or if he became an accountant to stop getting punched in the head by others around him whenever he spoke.

Once, being the true personification of tedium, he told the owner of a pub that he shouldn’t be pouring himself half a beer without putting money in the till because that would result in no sale and, therefore, no tax being paid on the sale of that half of beer. Naturally, this was the reason for the recession.

He’s 59 years old and my money says he’s never had a hard-on.

Wife’s put the TV on. I’m off.


Oddy said...

eez the worst ones are those corporate accountants who find all those tax loopholes which mean that, each year, a company like Deutsche Telekom pays NO TAX. How the bloody hell does that work? They are turning over gazillions of euros each year, making huge wads of beer tokens and yet they pay not corporation tax. Ludicrous.

Eez said...

yeah, oddy...and they can't drink for shit either.